I started writing this article as a guide to tackling hair loss as a young lad.
When writing the introduction I went off on a massive tangent and what you’re reading was born.
I feel it is very important and can serve a lot of value BUT if you want the original draft as well, then drop a comment down below and I’ll see what I can do.
Insecurities make us unhappy, we’ve all got them.
If you’re here thinking that your one big insecurity is the root cause of your unhappiness, then you are wrong.
There will always be something about yourself that you wish you could change.
No one is born perfect and even if you were, I can guarantee you’d find something to complain about.
Let’s consider the example of a receding hairline
Hair-loss affects 50% of men by the time they’re in their later stages of adulthood and 25% of lads under 21.
There may be one guy who is completely bald but has been blessed with a huge weapon.
There may be another guy who owns a flawless head of hair but has a micropenis.
There may be a girl who is a 10/10 but has the IQ of a dog who’s undergone 17 generations of inbreeding.
What I’m trying to get at is everyone has their issues and everyone will always have their own issues personal to them.
No amount of money or surgeries will rid you of insecurities and make you confident. When you solve one issue another arises. The only way to really be comfortable in your own skin is by working on yourself internally.
Now before you stop reading, I’m not going to give you some hippy fit-tea method to “work on yourself internally”; I’m going to give you real actionable steps that work…
Ever since I was a little kid I had this gap between my front teeth.
I hated it. My teeth were my biggest insecurity.
I would avoid smiling in photos or around girls, I would deliberately cover my mouth when I laughed and my biggest fear was someone pointing it out.
I would go bright red and feel like the world was crashing around me. It got so bad that I would look at pictures of Hollywood celebrities with perfect teeth and cry. I would tell myself that I would never be successful because they all had perfect teeth and I didn’t. I needed straight teeth to be successful.
I remember being about 11 years-old and going to the dentist to try and get braces. My mum could never afford them, but if your teeth were a certain level of “wonkiness” you could get them for free on the NHS.
I was denied.
I was absolutely devastated. It felt like my life was over and it couldn’t get any worse…
When I was about 18 it did in fact get worse –
I fell forward into a barbell in the gym and managed to smash out one of my front teeth. This was repaired (barely) by the wonderful NHS dentists who managed to glue about ⅔ of it back in place creating some frankentooth and sent me on my merry way.
Above: After a second repair that started to fall apart.
The timing of this accident was very unfortunate.
Firstly, I was broke. There was no way I could pay for the repairs from a private dentist and my mum, who was working full time whilst raising my little sisters, certainly couldn’t either.
Secondly it was spring. This meant right around the corner was a summer full of parties, festivals and most importantly girls.
The way I saw it was I had two choices:
1) Cancel all my plans and hide from the world because of how hideous I felt.
2) Say fuck it, learn to make a joke out of my hillbilly looking teeth and have some fun.
With much internal resistance, I chose the later option.
I chose to laugh at myself, take the piss and not care what others thought. It was difficult, it was scary and it wasn’t easy but it worked. Despite how I initially felt about my appearance, once I let go of the notion that everyone would care how I looked and the universe revolves around me and my appearance I soon released that all my worries were in my head.
Sure a few people mentioned the tooth, but did I care? No. There was nothing I could do about it. In fact, that summer with a smashed up frankentooth was one of my most successful summers to date in terms of having fun and meeting girls.
A few years later I got my teeth fixed. They were perfect. And yet nothing changed.
11 year-old me would have thought this to be some life changing event, yet I felt exactly the same. It didn’t change my life or confidence in the slightest.
it was my leg.
I was insecure about the swelling, my little gross party sausage toes and the leg support that looked like a woman’s tight.
I used to hide in the disabled toilets to get changed for PE (gym class if you’re not British) so the kids wouldn’t see my leg and laugh at me.
Over many years of insecurity, pain and low self-esteem something eventually clicked…
I learned that hiding and repressing insecurities is the worst thing you can possibly do. It feeds the beast, gives them more power and makes you more miserable.
You can either be ruled by your insecurities or you can rule them. The choice is yours.
When you can laugh at your deepest insecurities it’s like you’ve been freed of your shackles. A weight has been lifted off your shoulders.
You don’t care what people might say to you, because you’ve already made a joke out of it. It takes the power away from other people that might try and bring you down, it gives you control of your life.
1. Get a pen and paper (or even better your journal).
2. Write down the three things you’re most insecure about and why. Why do these things worry you? What are your deepest fears?
After you’ve acknowledged these things it’s time to learn to laugh at yourself.
Start with your friends and family members, take a dig at yourself in a lighthearted way. Use your insecurity as the punchline to a joke and own it.
Not only are you taking control but you’re conditioning yourself to make this seemingly terrible insecurity into something positive by associating it with humour.
For example – Bad hairline? Forgot your hat on a windy walk with your mates? You could express your concern that your last remaining hair follicles are going to be blown off into oblivion.
The final step is the most difficult but also the most rewarding; being able to laugh at yourself in front of strangers.
When you can do this without concern you are free. This is a huge one when it comes to meeting girls. You can try the following in real life or on any dating app.
Girls will often “shit test” a guy when they first meet. They throw a curveball your way and test your response. “Is this guy secure in himself or is he full of insecurities and low self-esteem?”.
More often than not a shit test involves taking a dig at something she thinks you may be insecure about.
Let’s do a common shit test; the tiny penis.
You meet a girl at a bar, get chatting, and throw some playful banter around. Things are going great. Then she drops the shit test:
‘I bet a guy like you has a tiny dick’.
Now there are two responses:
1) The guy who is insecure might pause for a second, go bright red then stutter his words as he denies her claims and states how big his weapon is. What a predictable insecure response. Fail.
2) The second response from someone who is secure may be something along the lines of “Yeah, it’s so small it’s not even funny to joke about actually. On the plus side how many women can say they’ve slept with a man who ranks number two for the smallest penis in the UK. I’m basically a rare gem”.
Response one demonstrates insecurity, uptightness and a lack of fun.
Response two demonstrates confidence, humour and an interesting unpredictable answer.
I’ll think of some quick fire responses and put them below:
My leg – I’ll actually bring this up deliberately even though they probably have no idea I have anything wrong with me. I’ll tell them about how swollen my toes are like little party sausages and joke about how I might let her suck them if she’s lucky.
Height – If you’re a short guy and she shit tests you about your height you could make a joke about who’s the real winner when: You get to sit on girls shoulders at festivals, you save money by buying children’s shoes or take a dig at yourself and play her games but letting her know that’s not the only thing that’s tiny and underdeveloped.
Anything relating to physical appearance – I’d go with something along the lines of ‘Jokes on you because you’re the one stuck talking to a fat guy with hillbilly teeth and a receding hairline’.
You get the idea.
When it comes to physical issues and insecurities that you can change I’m not saying that you should accept everything and just laugh.
If you’re 300lbs overweight, it’s probably a good idea to lose some weight.
If you’ve always wanted braces and can finally afford it go and do it.
I’m not saying don’t strive for more and change the things that you can change. I’m saying that whilst you should aim for improvement if you’re not happy, address the root cause of the issue and cultivate a healthy relationship with your insecurities and take ownership of the problem.
Taking control isn’t going to be easy but I promise you it will be so worth it. Even if you’re unable to go out, get practising around friends, housemates, family, on social media and dating apps.
Express, do not repress.